I’m really disappointed in what dating has become for my generation. So many people just seem to be confused… Confused about what they want, who they are, what they like, who’s good or bad for them, or just plain old sick & tired of love so they resort to complete selfishness. It’s not fair. Sometimes I wish we could go back to simpler times when being gentlemanly was the norm and women were respected more. When marriages were more official and people tied the knot young. But I understand that old fashioned formula for relationships and marriage has not worked for everybody long term. Are we even meant to be with just one person for eternity?? So many questions…
But today I wanna talk specifically about this Madonna | Whore Complex many men suffer with psychologically. I’ve learned that men today will see a girl as either a Madonna – a woman they respect, have to work hard to get, put on a pedestal, deem worthy to marry, and aren’t sexually aroused by – or a Whore – the girl they just have sex with, treat badly, won’t marry or be with in a serious relationship, and are very aroused by. It’s either one or the other and there isn’t much grey area here. This is a real thing. This frustrates me because I just think about all the sexless marriages that come out of this ideology. And this means that the “Whore” gets all the exciting sex and pleasurable experiences with men. Why does it have to be so cut and dry, black and white? Two completely polar opposite extremes? Seems to be very limiting and unrealistic in my opinion.
To be honest, I want a relationship with respect, honor, trust, a great connection, AND good sex. I want it all and I’m prepared to give that as well. Is that too much to ask? Women are so repressed, it’s sad. However, women are more liberated by today’s standards, but there still seems to be the stigma. If a girl even takes a picture looking somewhat slutty, people run with that observation. Even if she’s not really having sex or hooking up with anyone, this negative label is slapped on her just for how she’s carrying herself. But if a guy is photographed shirtless with a few girls on him, he’s the man! To take that even further, if a woman is seen with a longer skirt, not talking/hanging out with every guy, and keeping her demeanor modest, she’s automatically judged as a good girl, classy, and worth more than the slutty-looking girl. It’s really unfair how women are confined to 2 categories like that. This is just what I’ve observed.
I come from a very conservative background being from The South (USA) but I now live in Los Angeles. It’s extremely different here and there are definitely more liberal/open-minded people in general. So I’ve seen both sides. I’ve seen girls in LA dress in tight shorts and a tank top in 50 degree weather comfortable and no one bats an eye. But back home, if I wear that same outfit, I’m dressing too sexy and provocative. The dichotomy is astonishing. Then, this Madonna | Whore Complex (which is new to me) comes into play when men start to analyze these women. I just hate how women are judged so harshly and men are allowed to live more free without worrying about negative labels. I think women should be able to be who they are without being categorized so rigorously. Because you never know, that girl who’s acting prude and like a good girl may actually be a liar and trickster. And that girl who’s dressed in a tighter outfit and showing more skin may be a really good woman who’s just confident in herself. It’s the person’s character you should be observing – not putting automatic labels on someone and judging the book by its cover so harshly.
Be mindful. Be aware. It’s our psychology that influences so much of what we say and do. What really matters is finding peace and being happy. These labels are fleeting, toxic, and can misguide you.
My mentality about dating has changed drastically since my last long term relationship. I am dating for marriage now. The process for me when dating for long term marriage is completely different than dating just to obtain a boyfriend. I need to know E-VER-Y-THANG! I no longer go out just to be wined & dined. Been there done that. I now date with strong intention: to get to know the guy. It’s easy for me to get a boyfriend because many nice men are interested in me. But many guys wanna waste my time, try to control me, get in my head, play games, toy with my emotions, and monopolize my resources. It’s not a game for me anymore. I’m not here to just be looked at or get expensive meals payed for. I need a husband. I need a partner. A man whom I’m gonna be excited to spend time with. A man who has his faith aligned. Someone with substance who knows exactly where he’s going with his life. It’s deeper than expensive bottles of wine, walks on the beach, shopping sprees, and roses. Any guy with the money who knows women love that shit can execute those types of things. But once the romance dissipates, the looks start to fade, the bellies get rounder, and the candlelight goes out, you’re stuck with the person’s character and mind [Hence another reason why I named this blog Mental Luxury]. So I’m dating to collect data. Who are you? What matters most to you? What’s your vision for your life? I don’t need candlelit dinners with bottles of champagne to get to know you (even though those things are nice). As I’ve grown older, I realize that finding a man of God is so immensely important to me. A man of principles. Now once I see that the guy is amazing and a great fit for me, we can do all the romance afterwards. And no sex before monogamy. So many men lie about who they are and what they’re about and will put on a strong front for months to get what they want from a woman. Therefore, I wouldn’t date any other way than this. I am able to rip the mask off men (and people in general really) by asking the right questions and paying VERY close attention. That is how I can tell the real from the fake. The weak from the strong. The mentally and emotionally stable from the insane, lol. God I love dating this way. I don’t waste much time at all! Thank you God for showing me the way. Amen.
Go see it if you haven’t already!!
This movie was nothing short of amazing. Words cannot explain how much respect I have for Denzel Washington and Viola Davis. They both won Tony Awards for their Broadway revival of the play in 2010 after delivering 88 performances. Both actors have been dedicated to the craft for most of their lives: a level of dedication I can only hope to be able to live up to and be fortunate enough to have a career as long as them. After 88 stage performances, an unknown amount of rehearsals & preparation for both stage and screen, and multiple takes for the camera, I just knew this movie was going to be a masterpiece! Denzel directed and produced the film. Another great August Wilson play produced for the screen to live on forever. Loved, loved, looooved it! Now I’m hearing Denzel is bringing a whole string of stage plays adapted for the camera to theaters. I’ll be on time for that!
Warning: There are some really funny moments from Denzel’s performance! Inside joke: Blast a hole into forever hahahaaa!
I’m obsessed with Detroit producer J-Dilla’s discography. Just pick a track with your eyes closed and it’s most likely a classic. He was amazingly talented, had that old school hip hop feel to his records but still original and more of a “feel good” sound. Some of my favorite tracks of his are Look of Love (also the Remix), Reunion, Won’t Do, Players, and Climax. I could probably name 10 more but I’ll save it for later. Here’s a little gem I discovered the other day:
RIP Jay Dee
2016 was a very emotional year for me. I lost a little, gained a lot, and sacrificed a great deal. It was a year of many lessons, but a good year nonetheless. I lost my long term relationship (which I thought I was going to be in forever). I gained a newfound confidence, an amazing apartment & lifestyle, strength I didn’t know I had, and learned a ton more about myself. I lost fake friends, gained back friends whom really support me, and still struggle to this day with me and my mother’s relationship. There were so many changes, but I have never been afraid of change. I know change is needed in order to grow. I got very busy in my career, worked some good gigs, and became extremely focused on my life goals. 2016 was a year of clarity for me.
I prayed to God for clarity after my relationship ended and concluded that I was with an abusive toxic person who didn’t truly love me. How could I have been so blind? I trusted and loved openheartedly and my greatest fear became true. In the end, however, I gained a lot of knowledge of self from that situation and I am grateful for that. I have never been so sure about who I am.
I continue to struggle with my relationship with my mother because she is not very supportive of my decision to be a serious actor and study my craft. I am crying as I write this because I have been dealing wth this issue for at least 10 years. It hurts so badly that she is not my biggest fan or supporter and she does not understand that. I love her so much and she has sacrificed abundantly for me to be successful while my dad has been virtually absent. So it troubles me that she does not fully show her pride about me, to me. It is a huge self-esteem killer. It’s weird because when she sees me on TV she’ll be my biggest cheerleader for that season, but after a few months she’s pressuring me again to go back to school and choose a more practical life route. I understand her concerns honestly but I am truly happy when I am doing the work I’m passionate about. I refuse to break and go down a path that does not make me happy. I refuse to be anything but myself.
My ex tried to change me as well. He basically wanted me to quit acting and get a more traditional job. I tried to compromise by just working a lot harder to expedite my career results and it worked! At least for me. I made a little more money, booked so much more work, commercials, film, and tv jobs as a result from that pressure. I took it as motivation. However, it just didn’t suffice for him. He gave up on me and I cut him off completely after feeling utterly depleted from the criticism.
Alas I persevered! I bought a new car, signed a new lease to an amazing apartment, and paid down a lot of debt with my own credit and ambition. Throughout it all, I realized that few will truly love me unconditionally and fully understand me. I just ask that everybody respect my life goals, the desires in my heart, and let me deal with my own decisions. I think at the end of the day, I make great decisions based on what I truly want for my life.
I am not the typical pretty Black girl from Texas. I am not a pageant queen. I am not a law student. I am not pre-med. I am not a follower. I am not a hoe. I am not a baby mama. I am not the typical LA girl. I have my own identity. I am very proud of who I am. At the end of the day, I love myself! I have a heap of confidence. I know what I want. I’m doing it differently. I am not worried. I have God in my life and in my corner, always have. I have had a strong relationship with my creator for 10 years (don’t ask questions just know this). I have faith in myself. My faith is unbreakeable. So why is everyone so bothered? Do me a favor and love me or leave me the phuck alone. Let me do me.
If my confidence, talent, and intelligence makes you uncomfortable, I do not apologize. Get used to it because guess what? I’ma only get better with time. I’ma keep doing me. I will not change. I am a triple Lion: Leo. LMU Lion. I have a Lion’s mane. I am a Black Queen. And no matter what I go through, I will not become bitter. I will not become jaded. I will not be ungrateful of my blessings. I will always be proud to be Etalvia.